Missing you
by Crys-Trin
Summary: Neo has to go on without Trinity. But how does he feel about this? UPDATED!
1. Default Chapter

Missing you

Author: Crys_Trin

Category: maybe PG

Spoilers: for the first move and Revolutions.

Summary: Neo has to go on without Trinity. But how does he feel about this?

A/N: Don't read if you haven't seen Rev!!! 

~You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me~

=Celine Dion- Because you loved me=

*

Trin, I miss you.

I can't bear this feeling. Knowing that you are dead, you won't come back anymore. That you are captured in the cold, icy prison of death, where you don't belong at all. That's not the right place for you. You should shine in life. It shouldn't have been you to get there. You should be here with me. Because I need you. Can you hear me? I NEED YOU! I can't go on alone. I've lost my strength. It died with you along. Though I try to hold on, try to get up and face this cruel reality.

Darkness surrounds me more than ever. I stand here alone, feel the cool air on my face, staring only inside myself, into the emptiness, the dark hollow of my heart. My blind eyes are crying for the past, present and future. Heavy, hot teardrops roll down on my dirty, blooded face, it aches like hell, burns like fire. I swallow my tears desperately and clench my fists. 

I can't take this life without you. You, my guiding angel, my light, my support, my all...The Oracle knew it. She has known since the beginning that I don't have much faith in myself. That's why you were led into my life. It was meant to be. Trin, you were the stronger one from both of us all along. You never let your faith weaken. You believed in things. You believed in me. That's why I'm still here. Because you believed in me. Because you loved me.

I hate this war, this world and the machines for taking you from me. I'm fed up with fight and death. I'm tired. I don't have anything to lose anymore. The only treasure was ripped out of my trembling hands. There's nothing they could take from me yet. Nothing...

Oh, Trin, forgive me, please. Forgive me if you can. I wasn't able to save you. Though I am the One, I couldn't save the only thing that mattered to me in life. You asked me to tell you that we were going to make that. You asked me to ensure you. I did and where are we now? I lied to you, though I didn't want that. I'm sucked.

This desperate sobbing overwhelms me again. I feel the salty taste of my tears.

Should the One be like this?? I don't think so. But honestly, I don't care. I've never asked for being the One. I've never wanted this responsibility. And I don't want it now more than ever. I've burnt out, my body and mind are tired of this constant fight and suffer. I've lost my faith.

Trin, I've never cried for anyone. But I can't help doing it now. I know you want me to be strong, but... I can't hide my pain. It's too much... I feel so much alone. I wish this whole nightmare were end and I'd wake up beside you.

You were so strong even in your last minutes. You weren't afraid. You even told me you were glad. Now I understand what you meant by that. There are so many things I wanted you to know. But you won't ever hear them. My shaking, fearful voice telling you that I didn't want to let you go, I couldn't accept you walking out of my life. My whisper that I loved you so much. And I will forever and for always.

This fucking blindness! I couldn't even see you for the last time... This damn war deprived me even of  this last wish. To stare at your always beautiful face, lock your wonderful blue eyes again,  admire the addictive line of your lips, the black of your hair, and save them in my mind forever.

I can't accept that you had to go. I admit I am weak and scared. More than ever. I'm frightened and I don't know if I am able to do this all alone. Trin, I need your strength!!

I don't know what is going to happen tonight. If I rise or fall. I know that I have to fulfill the purpose of the One. I know that the future of human race depends on me tonight. I must fight this last battle. And you know, Trin, I wish I died in that fight. I had had enough. I wish I won over the machines and died having your image in my mind. I'd be happy then. The only thing I want now is reuniting with you in that peaceful place far away from here. Where our souls could become one at last and live together for eternity. I don't have a place here without you. I'm nothing without you. 

I'm too tired. 

I must go and finish what we have began. For  everything we were fighting for. For everything YOU were fighting for. For giving a meaning of our efforts. I must do it. For other innocent people of Zion. For you and me...

But before I go, never forget how much I loved you...

~Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me~

=Celine Dion- Because you loved me=


	2. Part two

Missing you 

Part 2.

Author: Crys_Trin

Category: drama/angst, PG-13

Spoilers: for the trilogy

Summary: Neo has to go on without Trinity. But how does he feel about it?

A/N: don't read if you haven't seen Revolutions.

I hadn't intend to continue the original fic, but the some reviews (thanks for Aquarian Wind for the idea) made me think about to do it. And here is the result! And last, but it's the most important thing, a huge thank for Carrie to check my grammar, I can't be grateful enough for ya, girl!!!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and the movies. This is only for fun.

_'Deus ex Machina: What do you want?_

_ Neo: Peace.'_

_~_

I have said what I wanted to, but I don't know if my words had any worth. Deus ex Machina doesn't reply, I don't know what he is planning, he can do anything to me. I only see the golden glowing light all around. So reassuring. They could even kill me right here and right now. And I'd not mind it either… if I hadn't had to finish something… 

Suddenly, I feel little metal things touching my skin. It's so cold like ice. They are little machines or something like that, I guess. I hear them, making noise. It ends now. I'm ready to die. I have your face before my eyes, a pleasant image in my mind in the moment I leave this world. I sigh, conceding. I'm prepared for the pain that will send me for a journey to death. But no, I feel them gathering around me, and lay me slowly on the ground, into the 'jack-in' position. Now I know I must wait for the death. At least for a little while. I've got a chance to go to the Matrix once again. Maybe that'll be my last trip to the system. As if those mini-creatures would have guessed my previous thoughts, and all of the nonsense I was thinking about, they make a giggling sound. Or do I have hallucinations, and my ears play tricks on me? 

Anyway, I'm getting to like those little beings made of metal. They seems more harmless and even nice, like children. Damn, Neo, you're talking stupid things! How could machines ever be alike to humans, even in qualities? Don't forget, they are on one side of the huge equation that is drawn for this damn war. And you are on the other side. And Smith and the other agents? They rather seem to be a bit closer to the centre, but still on the side of the machines.

I sigh. How did we get so far? Thinking back, I see the real meaning of things I had been told. I understand, but some of them I still can't accept. Trin, it breaks my tortured heart, but I've realized that your death, as Smith would say, was inevitable. I wish it wasn't so, but it's no use to deny the truth anymore.

I thought I could save you by choosing the door on my left at the Architect's. But I was wrong. Very wrong. I hadn't known at that time, but I know now that my choice was only a temporary decision.

'She is going to die and there's nothing you can do to stop it.' The Architect's words are still echoing in my mind. That was your death-sentence. I was convinced that he was annoyed by my choice and considered his words as a result of my action. Now I can see beyond them. Damn, he had already known everything in advance. That sentence was referring to your fate, coming to an end. Only I was so blind by emotions that I couldn't see it. He was right: human emotions are dangerous. My rage and desperate fear of losing you had hindered me to think clear. But would anything have been different now if I had realized the truth back then? I don't think so. Our destinies had been written, we couldn't have avoided them. But what if I could have changed your fate? Could the abilities of the One have included the power of altering real-life events as well? If I had known you were going to die no matter what I'd do, and hindered to accompany me to 01, would you be still alive?

My blind eyes are filled with tears again. I couldn't save you, however, I did everything. But maybe that wasn't enough.

Was the Architect some kind of Oracle too? Or did he have a secret connection to her? Were they on the same side? He pretended to be the father of the matrix, and referred to her as its mother. So many questions, but no proper answers. On which side does the Architect stand? The resistance's or the machines'? And the Oracle? I'm tired of guessing. And it doesn't matter anymore. Everything ends soon.

The problem was choice. It always is. Choosing between you and Zion wasn't a simple choice. Anyway, it wasn't a real choice at all. I had no choice, only was made to believe to make my own decision. No matter what I would have chosen, the result would have been the same. Your death. The only thing I wanted to avoid so desperately. But they had cared about giving me no chance to do that. Everything had been so well arranged. There was no escape. I was trapped.

I guess the Oracle must have known about it all along. I had seen something in her eyes and felt in her tone when I told her about my nightmares. 'You've already made the choice. Now you have to understand it.'

Oh yeah, the choice. Again.

I know I had decided for you back then, even before choosing that door at the Architect's. I'd always decide for you, whatever the price would be. Always.

And I'm absolutely aware of the reason: I loved you more than anything, more than my own life, and I couldn't let you go. I still can't. You're always with me. In my mind, my heart, my soul. You're a part of me. Forever and for always.

I have understood my choice by now. As Morpheus had put it in words after our first encounter with the Merovingian, 'what happened happened and couldn't have happened any other way'. I could save you on the roof, because it wasn't your time to go. You, just as me, had a purpose in this damn war. You were given to me to keep my faith alive, give me strength to believe and fight. You had to tell me things and stand by me to truly fulfil your duty of guiding and supporting the One. Reaching your destination, your mission has expired. But damn, who has the right to decide if you are needed or not? Who???

I can't help but sobbing quietly again.

I mustn't resist fate, everything that happened was meant to happen. Written in the large book of life. And we have no permission to change it.

I feel the cold touch on the back of my neck, and shiver. I bite my lips, and wait for the slight pain of the needle. I still think of you. We had done it so many times. Sometimes scared, sometimes cheerful. I can see your sweet smile, and hear you whispering 'be careful', which you did uncountable times before going in. You aren't beside me now, but I still hear your whisper, carried by the wind to me. I know you are watching me from above, and guarding me, guiding my moves, my thoughts, my whole being. My guiding angel.

'Such a thing is not meant to last.' I recall Persephone's words. Damn, she had suspected something too. It seems like everyone had known about our fates, except for us.

The needle rushes into my head, and I stir. 

It ends soon. One or another way, it ends tonight.


End file.
